Mat Leave is NOT just Netflix, coffee and lounge time. I stupidly had romantic notions that my bouncing babe would feed, sleep and be silent, giving mummy ample time to catch up on her reading, finally write that book she’s wanted to for the last three years and generally, recuperate after a full on pregnancy, fairly traumatic birth and 15 years working full time with minimal leave.
No way, Jose.
Very quickly, I found my wits and intellect fading from sleep deprivation and cluster feeding, met with extreme frustration and annoyance. I found myself isolated a lot of the time, going hours without having a conversation with anyone other than myself or my newborn babe, and she isn’t exactly up to holding conversations yet. This isolation led me to feeling lonely and depressed to the point of being very socially anxious and a need to isolate myself even further from fear of judgement and ridicule. Adding to this, I knew quite early on, that I wanted to become the type of mother that DID stuff for herself BECAUSE she’s had children, to illustrate that a mother’s life doesn’t end when children show up, more so, a new and more enriching time starts, and to also be a strong, positive role model for my daughter. So far, the blubbering, self conscious, nervous and panicky woman was not that role model, leading me to think horrible thoughts about myself, that I was failing as a woman and a mother, that I was failing this little babe already.
I needed to change SOMETHING.
Faced with the question, “what do I want to do?” my first answer was I don’t know. And I didn’t know because I was afraid to ‘be selfish’ and want something for myself. I had to come to a realisation that in order to be a good mum, I needed to ‘fill my own cup’ first. So I asked a different question, ‘what do you enjoy?’ Easy answer to that, it’s being creative. Doodling, taking photos, writing, painting, playing and listening to music, making jewellery… I had a camera, a SUPER old base model Canon DSLR, I’ll try taking a couple of pictures and see what it sparks. Cue happiness and emotional release. I felt like I was back in high school, when all I wanted to be was a photojournalist, travelling the world and visually documenting cultures. (I would head out with my little Pentax MZ50 for HOURS at a time and shoot roll after roll of film. Sorry mum and dad.) Even when I was at Uni, I would take my camera on weekends to calm me down. My brain switched off for the first time since having Bub. I subscribed to Photoshop and Lightroom and edited that first picture purely from watching Phlearn tutorials on Youtube and felt such a sense of pride in myself that I haven’t felt in years.
I felt like my hardware wasn’t really up to snuff, and after a lot of research on the internet at chatting to a girl I know who’s a mama and professional photographer, I bought a refurbished professional level camera from Japan and find myself writing down ideas in one of my many notebooks all the different photography projects I challenge myself to try.
My creative edge is coming back, and I’m finding myself excited to do something for myself.
I do feel like I am going to have to go back to paid work early because I have awakened a dormant beast from within, a beast that wants to try all things photography – digital, editing and FILM (oh boy.) And of course, I have my eye on a medium format Mamiya camera AND a 35mm rangefinder. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to my husband. I’m sorry for my re-found love. It’s going to cost us a fortune.
But; do you put a price on self worth, self love, mental clarity and creative expression?
chroniclesofa30somethingnobody 